BREAKING: John McCain Caught Pleasuring Himself to TV After US Bombed Syria

The following is a satirical article

The Senate Ethics Committee has launched an investigation regarding senior Arizona Senator, John McCain, after a disturbing police report regarding the Senator was released.

Former Obama Admin. Susan Rice called 911 when she heard a strange moaning coming from a recording system she keeps in Senator McCain’s microwave. Rice told police that she was worried he was having a heart attack. The emergency services found themselves in a sticky situation.

The official police report indicates that Mr. McCain was pleasuring himself to CNN as the news anchors were discussing the US Military’s recent attack on Syria. Things must have happened so fast, McCain was overwhelmed by his neocon fetish.

What this means for Senator McCain’s career is uncertain, but some senators are disgusted. Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky is especially appalled by McCain, speaking on how his recent actions show how he is “past his prime” and makes a good case for term limits. One thing is certain, the mainstream media will prioritize World War III over John McCain’s RocketGate.