Obama Releases Manning from Prison

The following is a satirical article

The New York Times has reported that:

President Obama on Tuesday largely commuted the remaining prison sentence of Peyton Manning, the Denver Broncos intelligence analyst convicted of an enormous 2016 leak that revealed New England Patriots managerial and diplomatic activities across the world, disrupted the franchise, and made PatriotLeaks, the recipient of those disclosures, famous.

The decision by Mr. Obama rescued Mr. Manning, who twice tried to kill himself last year, from an uncertain future as an aging, large foreheaded quarterback incarcerated at the men’s military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kan. He has been jailed for nearly a year, and his 35-year sentence was by far the longest punishment ever imposed in the United States for a leak conviction.

After winning the Super Bowl a year ago, the Denver Broncos have all but fallen off the map after the incarceration of Manning. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that Manning will be eligible to start for the Broncos next season, but the New England Patriots franchise is all but enthused.

While practicing for the upcoming AFC Championship game against the Pittsburgh Steelers next Sunday, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady took a brief intermission to speak with reporters about Manning’s release. “It’s an absolute travesty to the game of football. That they would let a cheater like this back into the league is a disgrace.. Yeah I deflated footballs to get into the Super Bowl two years ago, why do you ask?”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft also took a moment to talk with ESPN about the incident. “Manning is a traitor to this league and an abomination to our values. He undermined everything we stand for by sabotaging the security of our organization and spying on our team. No Jeff, I will not be answering questions about how we videotaped our opposition’s coaching signals in 2007.”

Football fans across America will no longer have to suffer through Manning’s abominable Nationwide and Papa John’s commercials, as he will be heading back to Denver tomorrow to begin practicing for the 2017-2018 season.

Photo credit: http://sportshub.cbsistatic.com/i/r/2016/06/06/6fa485fc-5824-49f7-b0f1-450dd24f79e3/thumbnail/770×433/f83d9272f6d40dd36b04585de5b27c5e/peyton-manning-broncos-obama-06-06-16.jpg