Jeb Bush Looking to Bring Sense of Low-Energy to Marlins After Purchase of Club

Image credit: Jon Durr/Getty Images

The following is a satirical article




This past Monday, a group led by former Florida governor and Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush and former Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter won the auction to purchase the Major League Baseball’s Miami Marlins. Bush, who was known while running for president as being low-energy and enthusiasm, said he plans to bring those same tactics to the Marlins in order to achieve winning ways.

“Slow and steady wins the race”, Bush remarked while holding a plastic toy turtle. While the former governor often accused then candidate Donald Trump of using bully tactics on the campaign trail, it is believed he wishes to incorporate strategies that show more respect towards opponents, similar to how Bush acted during the election cycle. “(Giancarlo) Stanton and (Marcell) Ozuna hit too many home runs, that’s showing a lot of disrespect to opposing pitchers”, he commented. “(Dee) Gordon is out there stealing bases constantly in an aggressive manner instead of simply taking them when they are given to him”, Bush continued. “We are going to show respect to other teams. You can’t bully your way to the World Series.”




While it can not be confirmed at the moment, it is also believed Bush is encouraging the use of illicit substances to win more games. “40 years ago I smoked marijuana and I admit it”, Bush said. Although it seems like a baffling move considering Dee Gordon served an 80 game suspension for use of PEDs in 2016, it is reported that the former presidential candidate believes substance use could help the team, as reports suggest.

“Please clap”, Bush pleaded as the joint press conference with Jeter drew to a close Tuesday afternoon.