Bernie Sanders is a True Libertarian

The following is a satirical article

Guys, I was wrong.

Even though I was just a high school senior, I spent countless hours trying to help Rand Paul get the nomination for president of the United States. Of course he dropped out after placing 5th in Iowa. I was extremely hopeless. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew Gary Johnson was going to be the “Libertarian” nominee, despite the opposition Petersen and McAfee provided.

But even if Rand had gotten the nomination, we still wouldn’t have had a true libertarian in office. All of you who spent countless hours working for Rand’s presidential campaign made a mistake in doing so. If you wanted to promote liberty and put a libertarian in office, you should have campaigned for and voted for Bernie Sanders.

First off, let’s think of this: Gary Johnson agrees with 73% of what Bernie Sanders says! Now Gary isn’t all that much of a pure libertarian, so it isn’t unreasonable to think that maybe that 27% actually makes Bernie more libertarian. And in addition, Libertarianism is maximizing human freedom, and that Senator for Vermont sure does believe in Freedom!

He believes in the right to healthcare, the right to housing, the right to education, the right to a living wage, the right to welfare, the right to safe spaces (which doesn’t violate the first amendment at all), even the right to weed, dude! Bernie Sanders believes in more rights than Murray Rothbard! How could you not say he’s libertarian!?

Above all else, he believes in freedom from responsibility. No other member of the LP, and especially not Rand Paul, would ever say that they believe that! If you lose your job, Bernie will make sure Uncle Sam takes care of you for as long as you want. In fact, you could make more on welfare than you would working if this was Bernie’s (and therefore a Libertarian’s) America.

So ultimately guys, it’s our fault that we got Clinton vs. Trump. By supporting Rand Paul instead of a real libertarian like Bernie Sanders, Clinton was able to break our poor ally and all but force him to endorse her. We wound up with Donald Trump because we wouldn’t know a real libertarian even if he taxed 90% of our wealth. Libertarians need to get it together. We need to unite under Bernie Sanders!!! April Fools.

Photo: Peter Yang